The real preparation.

Man, I have been busy. At least in my MIND I have been busy.
Daily tasks are being sent through my Africa lens. I'll be doing lani's hair and shout out to Paul, "Hey, while I'm gone, I think you should just pull Lani's hair back in a pony tail every day. That will be easiest." Then I look at Lani and I say, "Remind your dad to pull your hair back in a pony tail every day. That will be the easiest for him."
Then I drop the kids off at school and I call Paul and remind him, "Hey, when I'm gone, don't forget that you need to sign the agendas every day. K?" And after school I tell the kids, "Hey guys, remember to remind daddy to sign your agendas every evening. K?"
Every single task.
Don't forget piano at 4 on Monday.
Gymnastics at 5 on Monday.
Baseball at 6 on Tuesday.
Birthday party on Sunday at 3.
and on and on and on and on....
I have been preparing.
But last night it hit me in church...I am personally, in my heart, nowhere near prepared for this trip.
I am going to Sierra Leone.
SIERRA LEONE.
It's not Florida, people.
It's not Mexico.
It's not even Guatemala.
It's the poorest country in the world.
And I will be there in 8 days.
So last night as I rushed to get Ayla into Kidzone and was barking out orders to Paul about how to sign her in and all the things not to forget, I was slapped in the face by my heart.
About 10 seconds into Andy's first song during worship, the tears started flowing. It was crazy. I couldn't stop them. I am so not ready to do this. I started thinking about the people there and how I don't want to make a fool of myself in front of them. About these teenagers who were going to be meeting us for the first time and how I cannot even begin to hold a candle next to the light the WMF team has been showing them for years.
I just started to pray that I could connect with one. One person. That that person would look at me and see something that would click. Maybe a desire to love them like Jesus loves them. Can I do that? I don't really feel worthy of being a part of this group. Even as I type this I feel a small panic coming over me.
I just want them to be able to see my heart and how I so desperately want it to beat the way same way Jesus heart beats.
I realize I am rambling now. But it's how I'm feeling right now. Today. And all these feelings are rolling around my heart and in my head. I need to let go of the here. Paul and mom and dad and the kids, they are going to be fine. Geez. They are fine. I need to focus on the there. And be praying for my own heart. If you'd pray for me, too, that would be great.
Gosh...I'm going to AFRICA