one year

today marks a year (almost to the DAY) since we have been in a church building.
(outside of the time i attended church while in colorado...in which i cried from the first moment andy started playing:)!)
anyway...i am not posting this to start some sort of debate about the importance of sitting in a pew every weekend within 4 walls. please, don't let it turn into that. i am just hoping to get some thoughts down on "paper" so i don't forget this part of my journey.
it has been important.
no, we have not walked away from jesus.
not even in the slightest.
in fact, i would go as far as saying we have never felt closer to the heart of jesus.
never searched so deeply for him.
never wanted so desperately to see this world through HIS eyes.
i've read and dug and prayed and begged for him to reveal himself to us in new ways.
and of course, he has not disappointed. he has showed up in so many ways. and we have been faithfully watching for it.

but this morning was a turning point.
for the very first time in a full year, i missed it.
i wanted to get my kids up and take them to church.
to quietly sit in the back and worship corporately.
it that is SOMETHING.

i got this email from my daycare provider on friday:
SUBJECT: your baby girl
"i was on the phone w/ my dad and ayla wanted to know who i was talking to, so i told her. we started talking about family, people we love, and people that love us. we were talking about family, friends, people at church etc. ayla said "yeah, and God loves me and i love God. he's my friend!" with the biggest smile on her face. it was adorable!

just thought you might like to know that your daughter picks good friends :)"
(hope you don't mind my sharing this, kerry!)

HE is prompting all of us.

i have been reading lots this past year. new perspectives. i am putting on new lenses.

this morning i was up early.
i made my coffee and sat down to try to finish my latest book before the kids and husband woke.
i came across this...
The secret to joy is to keep seeking God where we doubt he is.
(yes...it looked to be bold and large and red in the book. :))
i am aware that this would mean something different to every single person reading this.
but i know what it means to me. it means something very personal and very deep.
and something i have been wrestling with.
in the same book, the author tells the story of jacob and esau to her son.
how jacob was terrified to see his brother because his brother had wanted to kill him with his bare hands. jacob knew he was meeting his brother in the morning and he could not sleep.
he was up all night wrestling with an unknown man and couldn't see his face. he refused to let the man go until he blessed jacob.
finally the man turns to jacob and gives him a new name...israel....the god-wrestler.
all night jacob had been wrestling with God.
she says
"All that while Jacob hadn't known who he was wrestling. Just a man in the dark, a man he couldn't see. And in the black, all that night, it was the face of God over him that he was struggling against. God is behind the faces, son. Can we see?...Wrestle with God, beg to see the blessings...and all the faces become the face of God."

so that was long and probably means something different to you, but like i said, i need to get this down on paper. for my own use. take it as you see fit. :)

he is prompting us, i believe.
he is urging us to move forward.
and honestly, it's kind of painful.

i do believe we will begin our search for a new church home very soon.
i think we are ready.
i know we have been on some journey this past year and it has been what ann voskamp refers to in her book as "Ugly-beautiful". i love that. say it with me...UGLY BEAUTIFUL. :)
pretty awesome.

so there you have it.
whacked out post from cassie.
no comments necessary, just wanted to write it down for my own benefit.
i've been fairly vague on this topic for a year now.
and we are moving onward.
we are ready to seek him where we doubt he is.
kinda funny how this took 12 months to make it to the blog.
ann says
"God reveals Himself in rearview mirrors. And I've got an inkling that there are times when we need to drive a long, long distance before we can look back and see God's back in the rearview mirror. Maybe sometimes about as far as heaven--that kind of distance. Then to turn, and see His face."

onward.